Dear Diary, Today I'm Sad
Dear Diary,
Today has been rough. Actually, I'm not sure if it was rough or if my mind just can't make up its mind. Either way, I'm sad. I feel like I'm drowning. I think its the move. Sitting in a house all day, everyday, with nothing to do. I've been crocheting and that has helped, but there is only so much tying string in knots that can entertain a person. How did the women back in the day do it? How do moms now do it? I guess if I were in my own home, with my own stuff, I would be busy doing housework or some other mundane task and that would keep me from feeling like I'm suffocating. I need to survive until we get our things and until we get out of this apartment. So, I went to Hobby Lobby. I spent money, I probably shouldn't be spending, to make a new wreath. Wow, that's really inspired....
How can having children be the single most important thing and a curse, all at the same time? I love them, but I feel incomplete. I want to stay home and raise them. I love staying at home. I love that I get to kiss them all day long and decide what they eat and what they do and what they learn. I love that I carried them in my body. I love just looking at them. Except I feel like I am loosing potential. My brain is wasting away. I read some scientific piece that said women loose 5% of their brain, or something like that, when they have children. It doesn't surprise me.
And now I have guilt. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Are people going to think I'm a terrible mother if they know that I don't feel completed? My kids do not complete me. Pfft, that is so hard to say. I used to be this whole other person. I was strong and confident. I was desired and felt desirable. Now I feel mushy and old. Like a sandwich that was left untouched and now needs thrown away. I have a wonderful husband who desires me and loves me, but is it wrong to want to feel that about myself? Is it wrong to want to feel smart? I don't feel smart anymore. Is this what life is all about?
The circle of life thing is just weird. You spend the first few decades of your life growing and maturing and preparing for these monumental moments and then you reach them. You reach them and then what? What do you have to look forward to now? I know live life to the fullest, blah, blah. I do that. Truly I do. I've said numerous times that if I were to die tomorrow I would have died the most fulfilled person. I have been fulfilled. I'm talking about nature. What natural thing is next besides dyeing? Raising kids, right? That is what phase of life I am in right now. So why doesn't it make me complete?
Depression has to be it. I have known for so long that I struggle with depression, but I thought it was all under control. I have had to take medication for about a year now and my life has been infinitely better. It runs in the family. I still have to remind myself of that conversation I had with that family member that told me if I had a heart problem I would medicate, why is mental health any different. I know that, but I feel shame. I feel bad for my husband who has no clue what I am going through. He tires, but I still find myself hiding from him, afraid he will see the real me and not love me as much. How terrible is that? I am punishing him for something he hasn't done.
I sat on the couch and cried today and my children comforted me. Are they going to grow up and talk about MOM like some crazy? Probably. I guess I just need to get used to it. I am a mom so at some point they are going to hate me, or at least think they do. They will probably be "traumatized" in some way or another. Deep breaths, it'll be okay...
So that's it. I feel selfish for even being sad because as I type this I know of 2 women that recently lost their husbands and I am just torn up about it. I think of those women every single day when I start to feel sad. I wish I could hug them. I think of those parents I know who have lost their children and I feel so much guilt. How would I survive without my husband and kids? I love my life, but it isn't perfect. I'm not perfect.
Today has been rough. Actually, I'm not sure if it was rough or if my mind just can't make up its mind. Either way, I'm sad. I feel like I'm drowning. I think its the move. Sitting in a house all day, everyday, with nothing to do. I've been crocheting and that has helped, but there is only so much tying string in knots that can entertain a person. How did the women back in the day do it? How do moms now do it? I guess if I were in my own home, with my own stuff, I would be busy doing housework or some other mundane task and that would keep me from feeling like I'm suffocating. I need to survive until we get our things and until we get out of this apartment. So, I went to Hobby Lobby. I spent money, I probably shouldn't be spending, to make a new wreath. Wow, that's really inspired....
How can having children be the single most important thing and a curse, all at the same time? I love them, but I feel incomplete. I want to stay home and raise them. I love staying at home. I love that I get to kiss them all day long and decide what they eat and what they do and what they learn. I love that I carried them in my body. I love just looking at them. Except I feel like I am loosing potential. My brain is wasting away. I read some scientific piece that said women loose 5% of their brain, or something like that, when they have children. It doesn't surprise me.
And now I have guilt. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Are people going to think I'm a terrible mother if they know that I don't feel completed? My kids do not complete me. Pfft, that is so hard to say. I used to be this whole other person. I was strong and confident. I was desired and felt desirable. Now I feel mushy and old. Like a sandwich that was left untouched and now needs thrown away. I have a wonderful husband who desires me and loves me, but is it wrong to want to feel that about myself? Is it wrong to want to feel smart? I don't feel smart anymore. Is this what life is all about?
The circle of life thing is just weird. You spend the first few decades of your life growing and maturing and preparing for these monumental moments and then you reach them. You reach them and then what? What do you have to look forward to now? I know live life to the fullest, blah, blah. I do that. Truly I do. I've said numerous times that if I were to die tomorrow I would have died the most fulfilled person. I have been fulfilled. I'm talking about nature. What natural thing is next besides dyeing? Raising kids, right? That is what phase of life I am in right now. So why doesn't it make me complete?
Depression has to be it. I have known for so long that I struggle with depression, but I thought it was all under control. I have had to take medication for about a year now and my life has been infinitely better. It runs in the family. I still have to remind myself of that conversation I had with that family member that told me if I had a heart problem I would medicate, why is mental health any different. I know that, but I feel shame. I feel bad for my husband who has no clue what I am going through. He tires, but I still find myself hiding from him, afraid he will see the real me and not love me as much. How terrible is that? I am punishing him for something he hasn't done.
I sat on the couch and cried today and my children comforted me. Are they going to grow up and talk about MOM like some crazy? Probably. I guess I just need to get used to it. I am a mom so at some point they are going to hate me, or at least think they do. They will probably be "traumatized" in some way or another. Deep breaths, it'll be okay...
So that's it. I feel selfish for even being sad because as I type this I know of 2 women that recently lost their husbands and I am just torn up about it. I think of those women every single day when I start to feel sad. I wish I could hug them. I think of those parents I know who have lost their children and I feel so much guilt. How would I survive without my husband and kids? I love my life, but it isn't perfect. I'm not perfect.
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